long idle girl

i wrote this from somewhere suicidal
never felt more close to death
rotten soul, long lost and idle
days melt by every breath

i got a house now, more blessed than the past,
we can build our future and do better than the last
i did everything to do what my childhood dream asked,
didnt notice the little child in me has already passed

cant seem to feel gratitude
still, on the past i dwell
while i should feel well
because the child in me dies
when the roof hides the darker skies

not a home, just hollow rooms
a grave disguised as shelters womb
in past i escaped the prison
now a new problem has arisen
i realized the prison was me
love extinct, a shattered creed
madness repeats, i let it feed

love is trash and hope’s diseased
every promise built to tease
the gods are mute, the stars dont care
the void is all that waits out there

every love decays, every crowd leaves
every lost person my soul grieves
i call for help, but all withdraw
affection hides a sharpened claw
left me bleed

soul once was a garden
fertile soil, every flower used to bloom
life stolen, drowned in burden
no flower grows in my mud of gloom

unworthiness, every miracle i forsake
for my corrupted brain to keep me awake
to avoid fear i made them real
not a single trace of warmth i can feel

looking into mirror, eyes used to have light
of every dream shined so bright
for their desire they never stopped to fight

now future rots before it's near
while tomorrow births another fear

noone can become more monstrous
than a person once was soft
noone can become softer
than a person once was a monster
"every saint has a past
every sinner has a future"
just take it out and abuse her
get confused

all my life i resisted to end it all
under the weight of it i crawl
i tried so hard to keep the blood warm
storm in soul hides in a tiny form
everything i did was so wrong
ruined everything i was just trying to live
to find my own ways when there was no one to believe
in the end i couldnt make it