i love you

something keeps me awake at night
nothing but tear in my eyesight
i feel like a machine with a broken gear
unable to warm its heart out of fear

just as ways of thinking vary
even if that's all i have to give
so do human hearts and their love
which i couldnt give to many

i love you but i constantly misbehave
out of dark relentless emotion wave
i failed when i needed to be brave
i came back and became a slave

psychosis induced paranoia
i fucking hate who i've become
the world outside becomes colder and higher
gray-colorless past, everyone was a liar
now it all passed, but remains weigh

i've never let anyone love me
waiting for the unholy whistle
can't trust, find a flaw and then blame
maybe this time i'll get the missile
all wrong as i drown in my shame

i love you most when i crave you close
loving the garden but fearing the rose
i start to decay when we're apart
full of distrust in my lonely heart
you're healing a scar that is so deep
getting scared to lose what i have to keep

i run from your shelter to keep me whole
guilty of playing a half-hearted role

i know how unbearable it is
no time for you and you feel bored

all my wounds i've tried to repair
always come to surface when
i've got a response to my prayer
those dark feelings we used to share
now you get sad and i just scare you
tried to escape the abuser
i became the heir

i cry to myself when i think about us
i want to be near you all the time
i want to live my feelings' prime
i cant give you what you deserve
so it feels like im commiting a crime
i feel abusive, dismissive
but my life allows me no more

wrong or right i feel like you've became cold
or you will

my life was so stable back then
stable for being always numb
now sometimes a spark shines,
thats when i start to feel
and those feelings are not so dear

is it my fault to be that mad?
back in the days i resisted the bad
but the anger in me made me survive
and i dont know how

inside myself i decay
god never heard me pray

i search for a dream that allows me to cope
but i feel like i cant be enough

not less, not more
just the way i've been before

you're what keeps me awake at night